


Please Mr. Kennedy

by thethirstorder (KaiserPhoenix)



Category: Inside Llewyn Davis (2013), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Enemies to Friends, Exhibitionism, Folk Music, Inspired by Music, M/M, Music, Singing, The Knights Of Ren Are A Folk Band
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 16:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11672802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaiserPhoenix/pseuds/thethirstorder
Summary: Hux shook his head. There was nothing pleasant about Kylo Ren whatsoever. He hadn’t come here to listen to Kylo singing; he’d come here to give him a piece of his mind.He cleared his throat. “Who is this ‘Mr. Kennedy’ and why would he shoot you into outer space?” Hux demanded.Or, General Hux goes looking for Kylo Ren and walks in on him singing in the shower.





	Please Mr. Kennedy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [themastersbeard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/themastersbeard/gifts).



> Please listen to Oscar Isaac, Adam Driver, and Justin Timberlake singing [this delightful folk song from Inside Llewyn Davis](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSwO-k-RqNA). This fic will be so much funnier if you know the song for context.
> 
> I am gifting this fic to [themastersbeard](http://archiveofourown.org/users/themastersbeard) because she showed me Inside Llewyn Davis for the first time and was most enthusiastic about the joke that became this fic. Enjoy!

General Hux looked at his chronometer and rolled his eyes. Kylo Ren was five minutes late for their meeting. It was supposed to be a quick mission briefing, just the two of them. They had agreed on the date and time a whole week in advance and Hux had made _absolutely sure_ that Ren was available. 

Hux rested his elbows on the table and massaged his temples. He’d awoken feeling reasonably positive that his day would go as planned and that it would be another day on which order would triumph on his ship.

But now he could feel the last dregs of his good mood seeping away as his annoyance with Ren grew. Typical Ren, acting without regard for anyone’s time but his own! Kicking back his chair, he decided to go and find Kylo himself. Hux would normally never go to such lengths to seek Ren’s company but unfortunately, this meeting was vital.

As Hux stomped his way through the _Finalizer_ ’s corridors, he became more and more irritable as he remembered every annoying and inconvenient thing that Kylo had ever done in Hux’s presence. Hux had lost count of the number of consoles that Kylo had destroyed, not to mention the one time he spilled caf all over Hux’s workstation. Ren had claimed it was an accident, but Hux was convinced that he’d used a Force-push to knock the cup over.

By the time Hux reached Kylo’s quarters, he was fuming. He entered the override code and stepped inside. Hux glanced around the sparse room; Kylo was nowhere to be found. There was a faint noise coming from a door further inside the room. He couldn’t hear exactly what the noise was, but there was a rhythm to it and it sounded like a human voice. It sounded like it might belong to Ren, but Hux had never heard Ren speak without the mask, so it was difficult to say for certain.

As Hux got closer to the source of the sound, he could make out the words more clearly.

“… Please Mr. Kennedy, UH-OH, I don’t wanna go, please don’t shoot me into outer space! P-p-p-please Mr. Kennedy, UH-OH, I don’t wanna go, please don’t shoot me into outer space!”

Hux frowned. They were already in outer space, why would Ren not want to be in outer space now? Well, if he was so keen to leave, Hux would gladly oblige.

The voice started up again: “I sweat when they stuff me in the pressure suits, bubble helmet, Flash Gordon boots, Nowhere up there in gravity zero, OUTER… SPACE! I need to breathe don’t need to be a hero, OUTER… SPACE! Are you reading me loud and clear?”

Was there someone else in there with Ren? Who was he talking to? Hux was done. So done. He pressed the entry button to the right of the door, which opened as though it was the unveiling of a priceless art exhibition, to show Kylo Ren standing butt-naked in the shower. Hux did his best not to stare, but there was nowhere else to look, especially as the steam began to creep out of the door, revealing more and more of Kylo’s naked body as it did.

“UH-OH,” Kylo sang without even turning around. “One second please!”

Hux gave up trying not to stare. He clapped one hand to his mouth to prevent his jaw from hitting the floor. He took a deep breath through his nose and instantly regretted it because he got a strong whiff of Kylo’s decidedly non-regulation shampoo. The floral scent was overpowering and it was the last thing that Hux would associate with Kylo Ren.

Kylo continued humming his tune. His voice was just as deep as it sounded in the mask, a fact that surprised Hux. Secretly, Hux had hoped that Kylo distorted his voice to make up for some defect or embarrassment. Now that Hux thought about it, his voice was rather pleasant.

Hux shook his head. There was nothing pleasant about Kylo Ren whatsoever. He hadn’t come here to listen to Kylo singing; he’d come here to give him a piece of his mind.

He cleared his throat. “Who is this ‘Mr. Kennedy’ and _why_ would he shoot you into outer space?” Hux demanded.

That wasn’t the question he’d meant to ask! Hux cursed himself. He didn’t care about Kylo’s stupid song or its particulars, he cared about their mission briefing!

Kylo turned around slowly and ended his session in the sonic. He was smirking.

“He’s a former president from my homeworld. I wrote this song because—”  
  
“You _wrote_ it?” Hux almost gasped. Ren, of all people, knew how to write a song? Ren, who mocked Hux’s speeches and affinity for words, was a _fucking lyricist_?

“Yes, General, I wrote it. I wrote it because there’s a theory that Kennedy disposed of his political opponents by shoving them out of the airlock. It’s never been proven but it’s popular.”

Kylo stepped towards Hux and gestured for him to move so he could reach for his towel. Hux practically jumped aside and averted his eyes. He told himself he was blushing because of the heat in the room.

“And… and why are you singing about it?”

“Marco Ren, one of our lead vocalists, had a great-uncle who died under mysterious circumstances,” said Kylo, wrapping a towel around his waist. “He thinks that Kennedy shoved him out of the airlock. It’s a tribute to him,” Kylo explained.

Hux nodded solemnly. “Ah.”

Kylo brushed past Hux to get into his bedroom. Hux followed him out. “Wait — lead vocalist? What is the meaning of this?” Hux cried, wishing he could keep the shrillness of surprise from his voice.

“In our spare time we — that is the Knights of Ren — are a band. We make what’s known as folk music. Usually I’d have the Knights with me but we don’t get to practice for another two cycles so I had to sing all the parts just now,” Kylo paused. “If you were wondering why the timing was off,” he clarified.

Hux couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He stood on the spot, dumbfounded, as Kylo shamelessly dropped his towel and crossed the room to retrieve his robes. Hux watched him dress, having given up his attempts to be modest. Clearly, Kylo wasn’t bothered by his own nudity, so it shouldn’t bother Hux either. Hux couldn’t help but observe that Kylo was swol, and rather well-endowed.

Kylo pulled on his underwear and trousers before worming his way into what looked like a crop-top, and clipped on a pair of suspenders. Kylo pulled one away from him and let it snap back, so that it slapped his well-sculpted abdomen with a satisfying smack.  
  
“Gotta make sure these fit correctly,” Kylo said to himself. He then took up the second verse of his song: “I’m six-foot-two and so perhaps you’ll tell me how to fit into a five-foot capsule, I wouldn’t be known as the man of the century if I burn upon re-entry, got a red-blooded wife with a healthy libido…”

Hux flushed at the word ‘libido’—

“…you’ll lose her vote if you make her a widow, and who’ll play catch out in the back with our kid? Oh!”

“Please, Mr. Kennedy—”

“—Stop!” Hux yelled.

Kylo turned.

“Why? It’s just a hobby. Don’t you have any hobbies, General? Or does that stick up your arse prevent you from having any kind of fun?”

“The condition of my posterior is of no concern to you,” Hux said mechanically.

“Well, it appears that the condition of mine is very much _your_ concern,” Kylo said. Hux opened his mouth to say something but Kylo continued: “I saw you looking.”

Hux felt all semblance of propriety leave him as he facepalmed. He groaned into his hand. This was not how this confrontation was supposed to be going. Hux should’ve dragged Kylo to the briefing room and have done with him by now.

Kylo smirked again. He had a lop-sided smile, a roguish grin. Hux peeked at Kylo’s full lips through his fingers.

“You didn’t seem embarrassed,” Hux said quietly.

“Why would I be?” Kylo said, pointing to himself. “I’ve got an eight-pack. I’m shredded.” Kylo flexed his biceps.

Hux looked away and cleared his throat. It was time to turn this conversation away from Kylo’s ridiculously buff body to the point that Hux wanted to raise in the first place. “We were supposed to have a meeting,” Hux said, looking at his chrono, “forty-five minutes ago.”

“Ah, I suppose we did,” Kylo said, raising a hand to his hair. He hovered his hand over his scalp and moved it slowly across his head. When he was done, Kylo’s hair was perfectly dry and styled — another highly non-regulation move, Hux noted. “Well, I’m free now,” he said, putting his mask on.

“I _know_ you’re free now,” Hux said through gritted teeth. “We had an _arrangement_.”

Kylo shrugged. “Brief me now.”

“How dare you order me around like that! I am the commander of this ship!”

“We’re _co-commanders_.”

“I’m the General and you don’t have a rank.”

“If you came here to dispute semantics, I don’t need to hear it. I doubt these remarks are necessary for the future of the Order,” Kylo said sarcastically. He started up with the chorus of his song. It sounded much different with his mask on.

Hux wanted to scream at Ren and cuss him out for his insolence, but instead he found himself huming the same tune. It was frustratingly catchy.

“Catchy, isn’t it?” Kylo said. “Actually, now you’re here, you could sing Marco Ren’s part!”

“I shall do no such thing,” Hux declared.

“Come on, you should try it. I can see you like the song.”

“No. This is ridiculous. I’m leaving.” Hux turned on his heel. He could send the report to Ren’s datapad. It wasn’t exactly in line with First Order protocol, but he was truly fed up of dealing with Ren and it wasn’t even nine o’clock yet.

“Suit yourself,” Kylo said. “We won’t have our briefing and you won’t get your resources.”

Hux swore. He was getting flustered. “Fine. You and a detail of Stormtroopers are heading to a remote outer-rim planet, the co-ordinates of which have already been transmitted to your shuttle. The miners are reportedly on strike and you’ll need to quash whatever uprising there is. I would ordinarily send Phasma but she’s on tour with the scouts. And while you’re at it—”

Hux didn’t get to finish his sentence because Kylo started singing again, his mask making the song sound much more intimidating than it was supposed to be.

“… Please Mr. Kennedy, UH-OH, I don’t wanna go…”

“Ren! I wasn’t finished!”

“… Please don’t shoot me into outer space! P-p-p-please Mr. Kennedy, UH-OH…”

“REN!!!”

“…I don’t wanna go, please don’t shoot me into outer space!”

“NOBODY is going to shoot you into outer space!” Hux screamed.

Kylo paused. “It goes like this: Please Mr. Kennedy,” he sang, moving his hand to represent the different notes in the lyrics. He pointed to Hux to copy.

“We are not doing this, we are —”

“Please Mr. Kennedy…” Ren sang again, insistent.

Fine. If Hux had to play Ren’s game to finish his briefing, he would play it and beat Ren at it too.

“Please Mr. Kennedy,” Hux said back, trying to copy the rhythm that Kylo used. He had never tried singing before. It caused an odd sensation in his throat and it was so unlike his natural voice.

“Hm. Not bad,” said Kylo.

Not bad? Hux thought he had done rather well.

“You could afford to be more tuneful,” Kylo said. “Let’s try again.”

* * *

It was well past ten o’clock when Kylo had managed to teach Hux the whole song. Hux showed considerable improvement and he didn’t have such a bad voice himself. With a little guidance, Kylo said, Hux would make a decent singer.

But the most satisfying thing of all was that Kylo had managed to get a smile out of Hux. It was almost like the General had enjoyed himself. Once he’d committed to learning the song, he’d asked questions about the composition, the accompaniment, and even about the other Knights.

He had also started to get some ideas.

“Say, Ren?”

“Hm?”

“I know how you mock my speeches and, well, I’ve been thinking… Do you think they would be more appealing if I were to sing them like we just did? I want to be as inspiring as possible and perhaps if my speeches were catchier, it would be good.”

Kylo suppressed a laugh. “Yes, General. It would certainly be an improvement.”

Hux grinned. It creeped Kylo out a little; he still wasn’t used to seeing a smile so wide on Hux’s stern face.

“I’ll try that next time, then.” Hux looked at his chrono. “It’s well-past my shift start,” he said ruefully. “But I daresay it was worth it. I feel motivated. I should be able to make time for recordings this afternoon.”

Kylo smiled to himself. “I’m sure the crew would appreciate it. You were going to finish your briefing?"  
  
“Yes, I was.” 

Hux finished his spiel. The mission was straightforward and Kylo didn’t think that it had been worth Hux barging in on him like that. Well, Hux had got what he came for, and then some.

“It’s about time we were both on the bridge,” Hux said.

They left Kylo’s quarters together. If any Stormtroopers along the way noticed the shared tune that their co-commanders were humming, they didn’t show it.

**Author's Note:**

> \- "Marco Ren"is named after Marco Estrada. He's a baseball player with the Toronto Blue Jays and [themastersbeard](http://archiveofourown.org/users/themastersbeard) was very pleased that he wasn't traded and that he's staying with the team.  
> \- I could have named him after her favourite player, Joe Biagini, but I thought "Joe Ren" didn't sound as good as "Marco Ren."


End file.
